I am not a very complex person. I am actually quite simple-minded. I [tend to] see things in black and white. Right and wrong. Good and evil. I even used to be an idealist. Now, don't get me wrong. I didn't say I no longer am one; at heart, I still want to be. It's just that I've had more than my fair share of disappointments and frustrations along this long and wearisome journey we call Life.
Which is why, I suspect, the admonition, which is the title of this [pick one] rant / blog / complaint / exasperated outburst, begins with a three-word encouragement: "don't grow weary". "Weary" strongly hints that there are things up ahead that will exhaust one's vigor, freshness and hope. "Grow" means that these expected obstacles and challenges will surely become more and more daunting and, with them, one's weariness will grow. "Don't" implies that one will, like it or not, eventually become weary for sure.
And what will we grow weary of? Doing well. Doing good. Doing right.
As a minister of the Gospel, I have stood behind many a pulpit, speaking to innumerable faces, and encouraged them to stay the course. To not stray from the path of righteousness. To not grow weary in doing well.
But lately, I have had to live up to my many admonitions. I have had to go up against the daunting challenges and obstacles. I have tried to do [and keep doing!] the right thing.
But at almost every turn I have been met, not so much with violent opposition, but by cold, almost autistic [apologies to all people with autism everywhere] obstinacy. And this from people who are ensconced in places of authority [I kid you not, as I was typing those previous words I heard someone exasperatedly wish death over those people out of utter frustration!], people who are supposed to be "public servants" but, when approached by the public, of which I am one, suddenly become snobbish, obstinate bureaucrats/demigods with arms crossed, apparently waiting for me to either jump through their hoops or bring them a virgin sacrifice.
And I did. I jumped through their hoops. All of them! Which is quite the achievement, seeing as I can't even jump.
Alas, when one of them put their hand out, palm-side up, I had no virgin sacrifice to bring. And that was when things got really frustrating.
All of a sudden the phrase, "I want to help you" began coming out of this denied demi-crat like a sudden onset of Turret's syndrome. And with increasing alacrity. "I want to help you." "I WANT to help you." "I REALLY want to help you..." Every 3rd or 4th sentence. The more he said it, the more it sounded like the nervous little cough people do when they really want to tell you something which they dare not verbalize out loud, in public, for fear of censure. Something like, "I'll take a bribe, thanks."
Cough. "I want to help you." Cough, cough, cough.
I wish to high heavens that there were some sort of really bitter cough syrup that I could have given to this person. And to every person who has this kind of nervous, nerve-wracking coughing habit.
Anyway, back to the hacking hack. I had no cough drop for him. Or lozenge. Or syrup. Or bribe.
And that was when he made life more difficult for me. By turning in an "all negative" report to his superiors about the matter which we had approached them about and for which we were asking their kind consideration.
Actually, up until that point, I had actually been making headway. I had gotten my request heard by the head honcho of the department. He, in turn, referred me to his right hand person. Both had graciously sat with me and heard me out and agreed to help us out. So, they sent their people to our offices to look at the things we were asking consideration for. Lo and behold, those people came back to us with their, "We see no problem with your stuff! We'll tell our bosses the same."
So far so good. And then the coughing started.
Cough. "I want to help you." Cough, cough, cough, cough, cough. "I want to help you." "I WANT to help you." "I REALLY want to help you..." Cough, cough, cough, cough, cough.
Like I said, sorry no cough drop.
The following day, this gentleman came back to our office with an armful of "new evidence" - an allegedly new list of violations which we had not told them about. And guess what he told me.
"I want to help you."
Honestly, out of sheer frustration, I looked him in the eye and said, "If a person is drowning and he is within your arm's reach from the shore you don't tell him you want to help him, you reach out your hand and help him." He didn't get it.
Cough.
So I told him point blank, "Look, I'm a pastor. I don't do bribes. We have given you everything you have asked for, done everything you told us to do. So here's the deal: you go back to your bosses and hand in your report. And whatever they say to us, we shall abide by." And I showed him the door.
I said those words because, prior to his coughing spells, he did tell us, "We see no problem with your stuff! We'll tell our bosses the same."
And I believed him! (Told you I'm still an idealist at heart!)
I called up his superior demi-crat to ask about our request, only to be told by said superior that I had "not been telling them the whole truth". that I had "kept [these allegedly new violations] from them" and that [surprise! surprise!] their people [Mr. Cough-cough and Co.] had submitted to them an "all negative report" as a result. And so we should just wait for their response by letter.
Well... I was just speechless. Just as surely as if Mayweather himself had sucker punched me right on my chin through the phone.
And so, through the haze that was my utter disbelief at how things had so swiftly gone from "lookin' good!' to "Cumulonimbus!!!" (Remember "Up"?).
And all I could say was, "Yes, we will wait for your response."
And just when I thought I had taken the worst beating of all.... someone high up from our end says, "Those guys who want a bribe...? Bribe 'em."
That was when everything just started feeling like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Or Luke hearing Vader say "I am your father."
That was when I realized that I was just plain weary.
Tired.
Worn out.
And, not long after that, was when I saw those 6 words.
Don't.
Grow.
Weary.
In doing well.
Well.....
I am.
Tonight, right now... I am.
Thank goodness there's always tomorrow.
